turning 25

Everything is burning down, forest fires to the left, bullets to the right and every time I check my phone, someone has been killed. Every time I log online someone is preaching about another recent heartbreak or loss or injustice from corruption. I turned 25 today, well in approximately 11 minutes I will be 25. My brother is dropping his girlfriend off at the bus station so she can fly south back home. My friends are scattered across the globe sending me sweet nothings. The boy I like wished me a happy birthday, and hasn’t said much before or after that, and every time he doesn’t make my heart twitch I wonder if he and all that comes with relationships is worth it and if I really do like women more than men or if I really can like anyone at all.

My dad has been scoffing at the news all morning and my mom is holding a grim smile to my confessions of limited accomplishments. I tell her I’m planning a road trip, but that I also may move to Germany in January and am just waiting on confirmation from a friend. I tell her that I also really need to find work, to make money, to move forwards; to which she tries to gently suggest that to do so, perhaps I should review what I have written on my site and tone it down slightly as to not give everything about me away at first glance, you know, to “leave a little mystery,” and I can’t even respond because that's a heartbreaking response. A really fucking heartbreaking response, because I’ve been leaving a little mystery my whole life and all that got me was my sweet little panic attacks that wrap around my throat and intestines and so on and some meds that are supposed to stop the drowning. But I'm still the one swimming, you mother fuckers, so a little mystery is going to have to take a different disguise. 

Anyway, I’m mad that the fucking sun is out because it’s my birthday and I’m supposed to enjoy it but it’s already half way over and I don’t even know what to do.

Aug. 10, 2016